he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
