And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
