Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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