all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
