I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
