The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
