During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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