I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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