My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
please come you make the beer taste better
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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