You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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