just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
