Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
