My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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