You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
