Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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