shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
