my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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