Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
