I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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