How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
