She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
