white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
