I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
