I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
