U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
