Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sorry about my life...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
