one might say we're banned from that church
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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