I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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