My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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