remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
