I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
