I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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