Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
