i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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