I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
