I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Barsexuality is the new black.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Randomize
