dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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