You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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