sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
