After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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