he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
