is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
