Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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