Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
