Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
