I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
