Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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