Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
