remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
