Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
