Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
