I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
