I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Drunk is a universal language darling
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
